The Altruist

The Altruist I know the world isn’t perfect, but I try relentlessly to make it so. I know my efforts won’t change much, and yet I keep trying. I can’t see how I can stand and watch. It is the only way—trust me, I’ve tried. Maybe if I try hard enough, someone somewhere is going to get affected, and maybe they can make the change that I can’t. At the very least, if something goes wrong with the world—well, more wrong than it already is—I want to know that I didn’t play a part in it, that I fought back with all my might. Maybe nothing will ever change, but I want to die knowing that I gave it my all. That’s my curse. I can’t lose hope. I don’t know how to—trust me, I’ve tried that too. It’s easier to keep on hoping against all logic and signs than it is to just let hope go. It’s easier to believe that things are going to change. I would die for you. I don’t know you, and I don’t know if others believe that you’re worthy of it, but I would put myself down for you. At least that’s my first instinct. I’ve never been put in a test, but whenever I picture it, I always sacrifice myself. How can I live with the guilt? I know I’m not very realistic, and real life puts me down so often. I’m not sure if I’m defected, but I’m not sure if I want to change, either. Someone needs to be there for others, and I am willing to be that someone. Perhaps I do it for myself more than I do it for you. I will never be sure. Maybe my idealism is what’s making me question myself. Maybe I am doing it for you, but I’m too full of self-doubt to believe it. It frustrates me to realize how little change I can make. It makes me want to break something, start a hurricane, flood the world with emotions. Something. But then I remind myself that I am only one person, and the world is so vast. It’s statistically impossible, what I want. But that’s okay. I never believed in statistics much anyway. I’ll keep on trying. I can’t see how I can sit still. August 6th, 2019